We Have to Have a Talk A Step-by-Step Checklist for Difficult Conversations - Judy Ringer

This resource first appeared in issue #21 on 25 Apr 2020 and has tags Technical Leadership: Other, Becoming A Manager: Conflict/Difficult Discussions, Becoming A Manager: Feedback, Becoming A Manager: Managing Individuals

We Have to Have a Talk: A Step-by-Step Checklist for Difficult Conversations - Judy Ringer

There’s one thing I’d add as a preamble to this article. If things have advanced to the point with one of our teammates where we’re going to have the sort of conversation we need to brace ourselves for, it is almost always our fault, at least in part. We didn’t have to let things slide this long. Giving consistent feedback about small things, even if uncomfortable, will allow you to avoid say 80% of Big Talk situations.

But that still leaves 20%. And while these are hard times for everyone to some extent, that doesn’t absolve us from having difficult conversations if we need to. This article presents a good checklist of things to think about before those conversations. In the preparation, Ringer makes two points to consider I think are under-appreciated, especially by technical folks:

• What assumptions are you making about this person’s intentions?
• What “buttons” of yours are being pushed?

We are not disembodied creatures of pure reason, and we lack any special powers to peer into the souls of our team members to perceive their intentions. When preparing for these conversations, we mustn’t work ourselves up by imagining “attitudes” that may or may not exist, nor be oblivious to our own reactions. Focus on behaviours and outcomes wherever possible, and leave unknowable internal state out of it.

The four steps for actually having the conversation - inquiry, acknowledgement, advocacy, and problem solving - are solid. The article is worth a read, as are the references.